Kismet

It begins with nothing. You’ll never know when will it come and go. Unfortunately, you can’t predict what is yet to happen. You only want the truth but you cannot have it. I too had been a part of those mysterious days, and, until now, still can’t I find answers.

How would I know if he feels the same when all he does is stare at me? The moment I laid eyes on him was not the very moment I felt it. I knew that I was going to fall, and I tried to prevent it, but I failed. I admit that he is not an eye-catcher. And I hate what he does. I judged him based on what he was trying to show and I felt guilty about it. Yes, he is good. And his mind, I think, is close to being perfect. I never reached his level of intelligence and every time I talked to him, I felt small—smaller than what you could ever imagine. We don’t talk too much and we often argue about the most stupid things in our daily school life. It feels crazy seeing him whenever I walk inside the room. And his personality, specially being a show-off, irritates me a lot. He even calls me stupid, and I just let him—because at times I really am stupid. A day without an argument with him seemed not to be enough.

I never wanted to ask him any sort of question, because I do not want any answer from him. Until the day I felt something strange. I felt like I wanted to ask him millions of questions, but this time, I was afraid of what the answer could be. I didn’t know how it all started. I just woke up and felt like going to school at the earliest possible time. I saw him arrive and I just ignored. He walks towards me and asks stupid school questions. I answer, and then he leaves. That was the everyday scenario. Days went by and I noticed that I was getting close to him. I tried to avoid him but he keeps on bugging me—like he was missing having arguments with me. The moment I decided to avoid him was the very moment I decided not to. By then, I was confused where to stand. He always tries to pretend and act natural around me. But I knew what he was trying to hide—I hope. I would often ask my friends how they got along easily with him. I got curious on who he really is and how he makes other people like him. But when I reached that point, I wasn’t sure if really wanted to pursue it. Days would start and end fast that I didn’t even notice that those loud and unstoppable arguments turned out to be the sweetest and most remarkable moments of all. It was like a dream—the most meaningful and beautiful dream I ever had. If only I could stop this precious time whenever I talk to him, then I would. I often catch his eyes looking at me; obviously, I was looking at him too. He brightens up my day with a simple smile. And I wonder if that smile is for happiness or hidden emotions, too. I seek for answers in his daily acts. I got some, but I was not sure which of them are true. I even became his savior whenever he fails to do his homework. Well, with his level of intelligence, he also served as my tutor in times of confusion. We had a give and take process. We even bet on who gets the higher score. That way, he became an inspiration. We had chances of talking but it was plain and pure school work. I wouldn’t even bother ask him a personal question because I was afraid that he would take things a little too fast and conclude easily. Every day was a new day and a new challenge for me. I didn’t even know how to face him. I breathe too fast—faster than every pump of blood in my heart—whenever I talk to him. He shows a little sign of interest for he talks to me whenever I wouldn’t. The reaction on his face was somewhat strange whenever other people tease him on me. I don’t know if he is numb or if he struggles just to pretend to be one. He questions the way I dress and I can’t figure out what his purpose was. I get conscious and shy whenever he does that. I try my very best to hide the feeling but I just can’t explain why this smile is automatically placed on my face whenever he plays jokes on me. I got even closer to him and that’s the time when I saw his other side. It was his nature being a show-off, and I accepted that in the shortest time. We talked about everything and anything under the sun without being aware on what is happening around us. It was so ironic. Every moment was the happiest, yet, the loneliest. My feelings were in danger and I can’t prevent my heart from falling—deeper. The feeling was a daze and I couldn’t catch up. I often catch myself lost in illusions. What if he would confess? What if he knew about my feelings? What if he cared? Or maybe, What if he loves me too? Question would always remain as questions and I badly need downright answers.

I avoided him for I thought it was for the best. It confused me even more when he avoids me back. Was it a sign that he was afraid to admit that he was falling too, or just because he was irritated on me being around him? I never asked him these questions, because I never had the courage and I was afraid of being rejected. Besides, I am a lady and I can’t violate norms. Yes, it might be stupid but that’s the only thing I could do. And I guess that that is the saddest part of being a girl. I couldn’t even express myself, because every time I am around him, I just feel like dying in my most alive consciousness. I was far from being perfect and I was afraid not to meet his expectations. It made me feel small and weak. It cuts me deeply whenever I hide what I feel and prevent myself from saying words I always wanted to say. This time, I look away when he looks at me, and he would do the same every time I would. We ignored each other’s presence and I didn’t know what to feel and how to react about it. It was hard—harder than what I thought. Seeing him and being with him in the same room for the whole day made things more complicated. The world was too small for us to grow. It became harder and harder everyday and every time I look at him. It was like oblivion, and it made me feel so alone. The hardest decision I made turned out to be the biggest mistake I ever did. I regret avoiding him and I could not stand a day without him. I look for him when he is not around. But the saddest part is he got used to living independently. Like my absence was something he wouldn’t notice. And if I had the power to turn back time, I wouldn’t bring it back to the moment I met him, but rather, I would choose the time when I had to let him go. Because that time was the moment I let him take a part of me. I impart a small piece of myself to constantly remind him that I was once present in his life.

I tried putting things back to where they used to be. And it was not as easy as it seems. It was harder than avoiding him. I would even act stupid around other people just to catch his attention. He plays hard to get. And as always, he hides what he feels. Even his smiles were hiding just to pretend that he did not hear the jokes I cracked. Eventually, I got his attention again. And just like the old times, we tried to pretend that nothing has changed. He remained to be a show-off and my only choice was to accept his flaws again. We were happy but still the questions remained unanswered. I think I just have to go with the flow and seek for answers little by little, hoping that it would not be too late when I found them out. Our so called friendship was the most mysterious friendship I ever knew. It was not honest in any sort. It was full of pretentions. We remain friends until this very moment and I still seek for answers. I just need to work things out and think about it more critically. Our story is yet to unfold and I am still hoping for the best. All I want is his honesty. I may be hurt in what he would say, but at least I knew how he feels. By then, I would know how to make him stay or let him go.

I just can’t keep myself from asking questions. I just wonder why people had to leave. Why do they have to arrive if they wouldn’t stay at all? Maybe, they would teach us and make us discover unrevealed and beautiful sides of life. I just have to be honest and the best results are fast approaching. Maybe, I meet new people for valid reasons and each of them plays a special role in my life. Maybe, they all have their purposes and I am the only one responsible in knowing what those purposes are.

Then maybe it was kismet. It was destiny when I met him, and falling for him was my choice. I blame myself for feeling this kind of feeling. I never intended to. And maybe, it remains as a choice—living my everyday life this way. And maybe, just maybe, kismet would keep us together.

jDm